Here lizard, lizard, lizard brain

Ok, I am one to overly examine many things and one of the things I over-examine is myself. I've spent countless hours, days, and moments thinking about me and my thinking and how I got there. It's crazy to think about our instincts which may partially have been born with us and which parts are learned along the way. We're all different from birth, right? Our base personality make up is us which is then put into the world into an enironment it must react to and learn from. Hence ourselves change by what we encounter, what we must do psychologically to adapt and survive.

I just finished reading an article about priming which is basically, it seems, how we react to a situation, person, object, etc. when we've been primed by some other factor that is affecting us subconsciously. To use their examples: you tend to clean more when there's a hint of cleaning supply scent in the air, you act more frugal and businesslike if there's a briefcase at the end of a table as opposed to a backpack.

So that got me thinking about how I react to certain people, what patterns emerge over time in reaction to their personality and, conversely, how others react to me and my way of being. I know how sensitive a person I have always been and I can attest to feeling a reaction to something instinctually and then doing something to surpress what might be my more instinctual conscious reaction. I might be offended but I won't say anything because I think it's silly to actually be offended. This article made me rethink that reaction to certain people and how my lizard brain was reaction to whatever it is about them, which happens way before I even realize it, I've had a reaction, and my choice to react is my conscious interpretation of that instinctual decision. I also flipped that equation and wondered about how people, specifically relationships, have been for me. How women have reacted to me for years and years as such a friend, often not a lover. That was something I was looking to adjust personally. The interesting part is going back and considering how I was angry or hurt at them for that reaction which may have been exactly what evolution was telling them, that I was not the aggressive lion-killing meat winner. So to speak. So here's the link to the article about priming in the NYTimes. Makes you rethink at the very least the basis for the decisions you make.

Why's that? Wow.

First off I want to say that it bugs me how different I can feel on a weekend day versus a weekday day. During the week I can feel beat, tired, down, grumpy as well as pretty good. On a weekend, even sitting at home doing work, I feel great and creative. Well, sometimes, but far more than I do at work. I have so many things I want to do and attempt and somehow my energy for these things is so much higher on the weekends. I just wish I could keep that up through the week. heck, I'm knocking off several creative things today and it just makes me feel alive.

Secondly, and this is what I was orignally going to write about, is my own sort of state dependent memory. Except it's location and aural dependent memory. Here it is: I walk to work nearly every day and nearly every day I listen to this american life on my ipod. I often have to stop my ipod in the middle of a story or a program because my walk only takes about 25 minutes and the shows are 50-55 minutes. So what I'm finding is that even if I don't listen for a few days, when I have to search through for where I left off my brain starts popping up images of almost my exact location at the point I was listening to whatever part I'm hearing. If David Sedaris is talking about going to Greece then my brain jumps to the image of walking up the 23rd street hill. This happens almost every time and it simply amazes me. Without paying specific attention my brain went ahead and stored that information. When I play back a trigger my brain shows me where I was and, I must say, I think it's pretty darn accurate, like within 10 feet. This is a lot like how smells, a specific smell, can conjure up a strong mental image of where you were and what it reminds you of. I'm sure the same thing often happens with music and songs. This, though, is something that happens several times a week and it really amazes me to have that experience. It's so visceral, emotional. LIke being transported in time and space by someone's voice and story in my ears.

Does anyone else get excitment, awe, uknown fear chills when reading this?

Imagining the future, the outcomes of this is like trying to imagine, to me, the size and age of the universe. As impossible a task for the human brain is the notion of really understanding how old and big and far back things go in the universe, so is the notion of trying to understand how far things can and could go in the future. Just reading this article about AI and the Singularity sparks my brain and I'm sure yours into spirals and spirals of possibilities. Machines that make better versions of themselves in faster and more complex ways than we can imagine. The article itself is short but gives you an amazing taste of what we may be dealing with in our lifetimes.

It also made me think that even if things spiral in a way that ends humanity, time continues on without us. We're a blip. If Artificial Intelligence took over and organic life as we define ourselves ended, would that artificial life be any less "natural" as it was the outcome life of evolving anyway?

A week so full, riding the waves up and down, happiness and sadness

This week has had some turbulence personally, physically, and within my friend group. The week has, for more, ended on an excellent up note in terms of how I feel but, again, there were some tough times out there.

First off I want to say a bit about Di Di. Her father passed away this week. We all send out a prayer to whoever we pray to for her, the Weider family, and her father's spirit and the current journey his spirit is on. Your own personal ideas of life and then death are called into question in times like these and you can explore those feelings, ideas, and also send out waves of love and support.

For some reason, probably because of a heavy drinking weekend, I was in a downright awful state at the beginning of this week. I felt uncomfortable in my skin, in San Francisco. I looked around at SF like it was a burden, like the obvious choice was to leave, start anew, reinvent. As the week has gone on, though, I found my attitude changed. This often happens when there's not enough sleep or, say, alcohol induced chemical imbalance. Things feel much better now but the thoughts and ideas of casting off the shackles of routine are alive again. In short I will say that I had always planned on my current job to be temporary, to ride it out for a little while while I got other aspects of my life in place and then I would chase those darned dreams that I keep only tasting. Several things have not gone as I thought and I got wrapped up in this routine. Now I think I'm ready for that plan, the plan to set a goal and to ultimately get outta here for awhile. Prep myself and try auditioning in NYC, L.A. and maybe end up in Chicago for theatre there, a video job, close to family. I just don't know, haven't gotten that all sorted yet. But who needs to have it ALL sorted right away? Take some chance, make a decision, and ride the wave of the river.

There are two other things I want to share. The first are these mp3s that help with polyphasic naps. You can read about polyphasic sleep here polyphasic sleep wikipedia article. I'm not trying to do polyphasic sleep but rather enjoy the quick naps that can help. These mp3s, which can be downloaded here polyphasic nap mp3. These are nap soundtracks that start out silent and slowly build to white noise, which is consistent and blocks out nearly all external sound. the track ends by slowly waking you up with various sounds, starting with a few birds clucking or chirping and build until you wake up. They are aimed at various intervals: 5 minute nap, 8 minute, and on up to 26 minutes. The 5 minute track is actually 12 minutes so that it accounts for 5 minutes of actual nap with the beginning and end to bring you in and out. I tried the 5 minute version and it was great. I thought only a couple of minutes had passed. So check em out, load your ipod type device and enjoy that deserved quick rest and rejuvenation.

The second item I want to share is that last night I started Capoeira. Capoeira is a brazillian form of martial arts that is much like a dance, sweeping moves, kicks, it's beautiful. I am so very weak and sore today but it was well worth it. It was an incredible workout and very invigorating. I'll definitely keep doing this as it is clearly giving strenght, exercise, and more confidence. I discovered it a couple of years ago when I wanted to improve my movement and dance skills, primarily for acting. It seemed like this wonderful way to combine several improvements to my life: get in great shape, learn a martial art, become more fluid in movement, become more confident in dance.

That's this week in a nutshell, though things were very tough in the first half of the week it is certainly ending on a high note as I feel happy and at peace. Now off to a wonderful weekend in Napa for Kyla Reid's wedding! Woohoo! Reid Ranch Party!

back and around and back and around again

The ever lovely Di Di let me know today that she still checks my blog almost daily. SHOCK! So I thought that I ought to actually start putting stuff up here again.

I noticed that I haven't posted since January 24th and oh my holy sheets and giggles so much has happened since then.
briefly:
-went to Brighton and Dublin
-turned 30
-got hired, paid, and acted in a video piece for Google. I have no idea where that piece ended up, maybe nowhere, but I got paid for it and it added to that feeling of being a professional actor.
-and there was much more in the continuing ups and downs of life.

Some new things that I've decided that went on the "life list" which is a list of things I want to do.

-I've decided to actually start doing Capoeira. I had decided a couple of years ago that I wanted to do this because it was physical, a form of martial arts, and incorporated dance (something I felt I needed some help in at the time). I plan to start going either tomorrow or the following week. There's several clubs in the city and many introductory and beginner offerings.
-more exercise in order to get myself in better shape in general, prepare for the physicality of a martial art, being more physically able for my acting and performing.
-write that FUCKING MOVIE. I have such a tough time taking on long projects that I can't see the end of. Because of that I have never finished a full length script. I want to do that, I want to figure out HOW to do that. This year must be the year. I also want to keep reminding myself that nothing ever EVER says you have to be conventional, to make a narrative, to make a story about a crime or something. MAKE WHATEVER STORY YOU LIKE. IT'S YOURS.
-I'm also working on some internal stuff based on how I was feeling a few weeks ago, which was bummed with just a touch of hopeful. The following books and ideas are currently part of it: Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns (started it a few years ago and it really helped, want to pick it up again), No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover.

and finally, one of my latest bits of inspiration would have to be Russian posters. This gallery of russian posters on flickr popped up on digg. I went to check it out and it is amazing. Some of the coolest graphic design I have seen. I'm using them as inspiration for some of my DVD projects. Yes YOU dear ROL people and SFDS parents get the added bonus of my attempts at graphic design for your DVD projects. You can see those posters here.

Hey, love ya.

It used to be masks, now it's neuroses!

Do you remember a time, probably as teenager or college student, when you were all excited and philosophical because "man, we're all, like, wearing these masks! It's what we show the world! Like I'm Mr. Banker and you're Mrs. Housewife and they're all so fake. They're not real!"

I certainly remember that. It was that big revelation or, at least, it sounded cool, like I understood that people were not being real.

It occurred to me today that I was no longer think about people wearing their masks, but I was instead fascinated by a disconnect with self perception and external perception. I was in a bad mood today, grumbly inside and made worse by several pressures from several different people at work. While chatting with someone he pointed out that he never thought I was in a bad mood. That's the great thing about inside your brain and outside - you almost never come across like you think you do. I was going to say that you almost never come across as bad as you think you are - but then I realized that there are the clueless people who are assholes or annoying but they don't see it.

To me it represents a switch to were there's not as much putting on a face but a real lack of understanding exactly how you come across. It happens all the time that how we thought we were acting, how very certain we didn't "come across a certain way" is different than it came across to someone else, perhaps to everyone else you ran into that day.

And then there are the misunderstandings, simple differences in interpretations of use of words, or tone of voice, or tone of email. How'd it all get so complicated?

Modern angst fascinates me since, apparently, it is so pervasive in one form or another. Graphic novels, for example, started exploring superheroes from emotional standpoints and psychological issues. These types of issues have, I assume, always been around, it just became more in line with society to start interpreting those feelings, discussing them, finding a name for conditions and, hopefully, addressing them with therapy or drugs.

One last night on that last thought. Becca's friend Nick was talking one day about how much he enjoyed the opening up that he sees as more intrinsic to Americans than in Brits. He was able to talk about more things with his family than he would have had he not lived in the U.S. A lovely thing. Perhaps we're not all just crazy, neurotics all the time :)

Really, not all old world charm is lost, you just have to look harder

There was a very serious dearth of updates, amongst pretty much all of the blogs I read, during the month of december. Holidays and much happening are sure to blame. I'm glad to see that both Kevwrex and Beth have picked up again and are helping me to delightful distraction during the workday.

Well as pretty much any of the 5 people who might read this know, I'll be off soon on my traveling adventures, cramming a lot into just over two weeks. Trivia in Wisco, Beth in Brighton, Ireland for 5 days, and then back to Brighton. I'm super really excited.

I also wanted to share a chat I had today with my friend Eugene at work:

Lance: As I was walking home yesterday I noticed a home for sale on 20th street. It's the house that is set back from the road with a long driveway.
I'll find a pic

Eugene: Did you see how much?

Lance: that one - have you seen it?
I always notice it because it has that really long driveway - so different from everywhere else

Eugene: That looks cute
20th and where?

Lance: umm, whatever street blowfish sushi is on

Eugene: Ah, 20th and Brannon.

Lance: so in digging around today I found it listed on this website
I was actually surprised by how inexpensive it seemed (god I can't believe I said that)
$979k

Eugene: ha ha
OMG
Inexpensive, huh

Lance: but it is a 4 bd 2.5bath - 2 level house
so yeah, for SF - inexpensive

Eugene: Oh...that's not too bad, I guess.

Lance: yeah, I dunno - it's all so stupid
I read this funny, possibly sad bit of info regarding ireland. Because of the Celtic Tiger, the excellent economy that Ireland has been experiencing because of things like the tech industry setting up there, that they've lost a bit of their earthy charm. It's still a city of conversation and pub-dwelling but now the conversation can often steer towards the banal city conversations: housing prices, traffic, instead of the talk of your day, your family, or ribbing each other.

Eugene: That is kind of sad.

Lance: if you are interested, just out of curiosity, go to sanfranrealtyman.com
featured properties: 2931 20th street
looks beautiful but then again, so many houses here do have beautiful interiors

END CHAT:
It's one of my parting thoughts before heading off to see Ireland. I'm almost certain to see the old-world charm and enjoy conversations not so much about traffic and housing prices but reading that thought about the Irish it made me a little sad for here and now. As San Franciscans, and probably as many large city people, we end up talking about these really silly things. They affect us for sure and I really don't remember it being any other way since I've moved here (except that I didn't used to think about houses or buying them at all). But it is part of the myth and mystique of the Irish that I imagined our conversations would be about who I am, who they are, how we both got to that very spot, in that pub that very night and where we might be headed and what do I think of their fair country? Might I drop a letter or line to a relative living in the U.S. and perhaps even in San Francisco. I hope so.