Of contrasts, conflicting ideas, celebrating the passage of time
Although it has been only two days since Friday, it feels like worlds and oceans have passed and many of life's mysteries have passed before me.
This past Friday, shortly after arriving at work, we were called down for an impromptu company meeting at which we were told that Jay, our CEO hired in the past 6 months, had died. Jay was, I believe, 50 years old and on top of that a world class athlete. He was in great shape, a cyclist who often did hundreds of miles tours. The news and the air at work left me shocked, spaced out, sullen for most of the day and I ended up leaving early. I began to feel better only after Becca showed up so that we could watch the first 3 of the Up Series. It was good to just have someone close to me be there who I could share thoughts with and from whom I could get big hugs.
We watched the first three, and though I've seen them before I was still moved by the sheer amazement of watching someone grow up. You don't really get any sense of the series until you've watched at least 3. The first film records these kids at 7 and therefore just seems like a document of English children. The second film revisits them at 14 and you notice how much the same they look and yet how much age has accrued on their faces and bodies already. By the third film, 21, they are approaching an age I can still sort of remember and therefore relate to. They look like adults but not yet with the lines settling in that help to define the way we look and feel as we approach 30. The films continue on: 28, 35, 42 and then this year they've released 49 and I can't wait to go see it.
Here's where the contrast sets in. I'm not dreading 30 in any way because I actually feel that, in many ways, I'm aging in a pretty ok manner. While I do find some day to day life to be a little drudgery, I think that life has afforded me many exciting opportunities, wonderful friends, views of the worlds, amazing flavors and feelings. I think I've done alright so far. For any sort of "regret" type feelings about what should have been done I find that I don't actually have that much regret. Things have happened, I've played my part, I've begun to feel more like I'm making choices and not just letting the world choose for me (though that is still a major component of my life: let's see what the world offers me today and what I can choose from that). The contrast, to bring up that point once again, is that today I was reading a travel article by Jim Harrison that described a 37 course lunch in France. The lunch lasted 11 hours but began at noon and was therefore still a lunch. The article included describing the author's friend, who was organizing and hosting the lunch. This friend had once arranged a 50 course meal which he had somewhat arbitrarily chosen to do for his 50th birthday. Sure, why not 50 courses for your 50th. I began to think: why not 30 courses for my 30th. Jay died at 50 in wonderful health. You never quite know when or where and you do hope that you lived your life well and fully before that uncertain day hits. So I've begun toying with the idea.
30 courses on or about the day of my birthday. How would I do this? How much do I have to plan before April 20th? I don't picture it as a gorge fest but rather like a 10 hour party fueled by lots of great food and wine. Something like bacchanal, something like a real feast. In contrast I also wondered if I should spend time alone in the wilderness with myself and my thoughts or, perhaps, with a couple of precious friends. I think about living simply, I think about living lavishly. I think about Jay in prime health, it seemed, dying. I think about not living life in order to avoid the risks of dying. Perhaps I should do both. What would be stopping me from exploring both contrasts. Both of these ideas appeal to me. Hmmm, contrasts.
This past Friday, shortly after arriving at work, we were called down for an impromptu company meeting at which we were told that Jay, our CEO hired in the past 6 months, had died. Jay was, I believe, 50 years old and on top of that a world class athlete. He was in great shape, a cyclist who often did hundreds of miles tours. The news and the air at work left me shocked, spaced out, sullen for most of the day and I ended up leaving early. I began to feel better only after Becca showed up so that we could watch the first 3 of the Up Series. It was good to just have someone close to me be there who I could share thoughts with and from whom I could get big hugs.
We watched the first three, and though I've seen them before I was still moved by the sheer amazement of watching someone grow up. You don't really get any sense of the series until you've watched at least 3. The first film records these kids at 7 and therefore just seems like a document of English children. The second film revisits them at 14 and you notice how much the same they look and yet how much age has accrued on their faces and bodies already. By the third film, 21, they are approaching an age I can still sort of remember and therefore relate to. They look like adults but not yet with the lines settling in that help to define the way we look and feel as we approach 30. The films continue on: 28, 35, 42 and then this year they've released 49 and I can't wait to go see it.
Here's where the contrast sets in. I'm not dreading 30 in any way because I actually feel that, in many ways, I'm aging in a pretty ok manner. While I do find some day to day life to be a little drudgery, I think that life has afforded me many exciting opportunities, wonderful friends, views of the worlds, amazing flavors and feelings. I think I've done alright so far. For any sort of "regret" type feelings about what should have been done I find that I don't actually have that much regret. Things have happened, I've played my part, I've begun to feel more like I'm making choices and not just letting the world choose for me (though that is still a major component of my life: let's see what the world offers me today and what I can choose from that). The contrast, to bring up that point once again, is that today I was reading a travel article by Jim Harrison that described a 37 course lunch in France. The lunch lasted 11 hours but began at noon and was therefore still a lunch. The article included describing the author's friend, who was organizing and hosting the lunch. This friend had once arranged a 50 course meal which he had somewhat arbitrarily chosen to do for his 50th birthday. Sure, why not 50 courses for your 50th. I began to think: why not 30 courses for my 30th. Jay died at 50 in wonderful health. You never quite know when or where and you do hope that you lived your life well and fully before that uncertain day hits. So I've begun toying with the idea.
30 courses on or about the day of my birthday. How would I do this? How much do I have to plan before April 20th? I don't picture it as a gorge fest but rather like a 10 hour party fueled by lots of great food and wine. Something like bacchanal, something like a real feast. In contrast I also wondered if I should spend time alone in the wilderness with myself and my thoughts or, perhaps, with a couple of precious friends. I think about living simply, I think about living lavishly. I think about Jay in prime health, it seemed, dying. I think about not living life in order to avoid the risks of dying. Perhaps I should do both. What would be stopping me from exploring both contrasts. Both of these ideas appeal to me. Hmmm, contrasts.
posted by Mr. Astigmatism at 4:19 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home